Self loathing

There exists a crater, which many would call a pit, but may be more adequately described as a quarry – with its slow, perimeter-hugging, spiraling descent – that doesn’t seem so bad when observed from the precipice and thus the perpetual slow descent into the crater seems all too innocent, and perhaps even necessary, to the wayfarer. This pit (I now concede to the conventional perspective) is that of self-loathing, which often goes hand-in-hand with crushing grip of self-stultification. After the first coil or two of the descent, shame often follows because one realizes they drove their own choice of mode of transportation down the first ramp and the vicious cycle is begun. Self-loathing can come from multiple sources but often comes from unhealthy, morbid introspection, or an unhealthy view of reality, particularly that of the reality of guilt and even more the reality of forgiveness. The former leads one to perpetually look inward, and after a thorough scouring of all crevices of one’s own heart, if one is honest with oneself, little is found to be delighted in and despair may ensue. In the latter case, one views past choices, decisions, or even mere happenings with utter guilt and shame and thus signals in the rock crushers into their own pit to continue the digging process of a deeper crevice than before. A psychologist, with a healthy view of substitutionary atonement – a rare find, indeed – once said that if she could convince her patients of their forgiveness (perhaps not from their father or mother or spouse, or whomever they offended, but from their Heavenly Father) then she could dismiss half of her patients tomorrow. There is a healthy way to view ourselves humbly and lowly, as we ought when we see things rightly, but there is a ditch on this road of humility that is self-loathing, which is a deep ditch, indeed, and has taken many quite a season to emerge from. But forgiveness, real forgiveness, is available (1 John 1:9).